Epiphany in a Parking Garage

“Should we go or not?”

That’s how our Sunday morning started.

We were already going to be an hour and a half late to the three hour long church service, we were going to mess with our son’s nap time, and yet we decided to go.

We piled into a cab and made the trek downtown to find ourselves in a ballroom of a hotel. Our little guy fell asleep on the way but awoke to the way-too-loud PA system. I decided to leave and try to find a quiet place for him to resume napping. The first try was a bust- a hallway by the bathrooms where clicky shoes, flushing toilets, and chatty voices made sleeping an impossibility. I headed back out the hallway that led into the meeting room, which was full of kids and laughter and a clown making balloon toys.

I kept moving away from people to find myself in the hotel’s parking garage. There was a smoker’s area in the corner with plastic chairs attached to each other,

the kind you see in bus stations or old airports. No smokers though, just empty chairs.

I sat down, holding my finally-sleeping son, and let him continue to rest in peace.
Beads of perspiration began to form on his head, and I could feel myself getting damp with sweat. I sat there indignantly, thinking, “So THIS is where new moms get to sit with their infants during church. This is just great.” I looked around at the parking garage- the oil-stained floor, the accumulation of dirt everywhere. A parking garage.

A place most people don’t give much thought to. It’s pretty much just the place you walk through to get to somewhere else. Unimportant, dirty, inconsequential.

And then it hit me.

Another mother held her baby in a similar place about 2000 years ago.

Her son was born in an unimportant, dirty, inconsequential place because no one else offered them a place to stay. But instead of being smug and self-important, she treasured up the details of her son’s birth and pondered them in her heart.

God, please help me to be more like Mary. I pray my eyes would be open to the treasures and my heart would ponder them in wonder. Thank you that I have something to celebrate at Christmas. Thank you for hope and for entering into our mess. Thank you for the love you've given to me and a new son I get to hold in my arms.

Thanks for this year's Christmas present: an epiphany with my son in a parking garage.

The Infant Honors Program

I can't believe it's happening already.


"Ooh wow- your son is already sleeping for 8 hours straight? That's great!" Something rises in me. A quiet sense of pride that my child has some extra special talent or ability. Sleeping? Really? A talent? I remember hearing conversations like this before I had a kid. I would have an inner dialogue afterwards that went something like, "Wow- those parents must be doing things right. Or that kid must just be extra fantastic. She's probably headed for the Ivy Leagues." When I type it, I realize how ridiculous it sounds, but in the subtlety of conversation or my own thoughts, it's not so clear. My success as a parent and the virtue of my son seems to be determined by how and when he attains developmental milestones.


"I'll pray that it will become easier for you day by day to take care of him." This comment came after my son Asher was unconsolably crying, several times, during a visit with a friend. After hearing this, something in me wanted to say, "But wait- he's a good baby. He was tired and off today, this isn't normal for him. He's not one of those colicky babies." Because if I had a colicky baby, that would feel like I'm an incompetent parent, or Asher is going to grow up to be a difficult child and then a high-maintenance adult.


Why do I do this? Connect my worth to such milestones? I suspect it's because there's something in me that looks to my son to tell me how I'm doing as a mom.


Help me, God, to be the best mom I can be, but to not let my worth ride on how my kid is sleeping or when he starts to crawl or walk.

Mothering. My word. It's harder than anything I've done so far. Harder than moving to and living in Siberia, harder than a marathon, than earning a master's degree, trying to speak Thai, or teaching first graders or middle schoolers. It's also better than anything I've done so far. Nothing has been richer, more beautiful, more demanding, stretching, humbling, or heart-melting. I remember a profound realization I had in the hospital after Asher was born. A huge hidden reservoir of love existed in my heart that I didn't even know I had. I had no idea I had the capacity for this kind of love; I truly didn't know it was there. I've got amazing family and friends, so I didn't have a kid to fill some vacuum of love in my heart. I wasn't looking for love; it was just a delightful surprise. A big one. One that I couldn't have predicted but am so thankful for. As I held him and fed him, I realized I could look at him for minutes that turned into hours. I would tear up just looking at him, marveling at this person- a PERSON- who grew inside of me. This person who I know nothing about personality-wise, interest-wise. This person who only makes my life more complicated and exhausting. And I can't believe how much I love him. What a miracle. I lean into that love when he's crying and I can't get him to stop and and it hurts my ears. I lean into it when I'm spraying poop off of his cloth diapers. Or when my body is tired and sore from feeding him. I'm in awe of mothering and the billions of women who've done it before me or are doing it now, because it's the closest thing I've found yet to humble, selfless love. Well, except for a certain someone who left heaven to come live among us and show us what true selfless love is. I'm bedazzled all the more when I think of God's love, to think of how he loves me even when I'm thankless or just make things more complicated. He loves me no matter what I do for him. As a matter of fact, I think he loves just looking at me, just watching me...just like I enjoy looking at my son. I'll bet He enjoys watching me learn lessons from my little man. About an hour ago, I was holding him, bouncing up and down, rocking him back and forth, watching his eyes get heavier by the minute. He'd start to relax, and then bam- he'd tense up again, arching his back, flexing his legs and arms. His pacifier would fall out of his mouth as I'd whisper, "You're gonna be alright. Everything's ok." He would melt back into me, curving around my middle, ferociously sucking on the pacifier once again, moving towards sleep. I saw myself in my son. How often do I forget the rest available to me in my Creator's embrace? I start to worry about people's opinions of me, finances, the future, health, loved ones. Then I stop and remember who loves me and how He's got me, and I melt back into rest. Man. Who knew my 2 month-old could teach me so much.

It's been a long time...like 5 years or something...since I last posted anything. I guess I could list a gajillion reasons about why that is. Busyness, more important things, getting a little disgusted with self-importance and thinking that what I have to say is worth putting on the internet for everyone to read. I probably felt a little gun shy for offending an Indian gentleman who didn't like my post about India. Maybe the biggest reason for my silence was that a lot of the meaningful parts of my life were being impacted by others, and sharing their stories felt, well, maybe a little violating or exploitive. Like using those pictures of kids who look pitiful and hungry to get people to give money. Only instead of me trying to raise money, I was sometimes sharing those stories to feel like my life was interesting or important. I still don't know what I think about all that, but I know that writing and sharing is important. So here goes. Since I last posted, lots has gone down. Cliff notes version: -3 more years teaching in Bangkok, 3 of the richest I've known. Walking alongside of fellow Jesus-lovers, learning what it means to be Jesus to those around us and to walk in humility as we grow. I saw God at work in the lives of my students and their families, and He grew me up in the process. -I returned to the United States in June 2011 and moved to the great state of Idaho where I completed a master's degree and obtained a license in professional counseling.

-Oh yeah...I got re-acquainted with and fell in love with an old college friend, Tyler Smith. We got married in February 2012 and are expecting the birth of our first little one any day now.

How times have changed! So there it is, my first "getting back in the game" post. More to come.

Vacation with Dani

STILL UNDER CONSTRUCTION- PHOTOS TO COME SHORTLY



The last thing that might be super interesting to share with you all was when Danielle came to visit. We split our time between Northern and Southern Thailand. That means we got to go to cooking school,

backpacking,


rent motorcycles and zip around the hills, see beautiful jungles and flower gardens, and get super cheap Thai massages. Lots of them. Then down south we got to ride motorcycles (again- we really liked that part of vacation ☺), snorkel, read, talk, go for runs and walks on the beach, and be wowed and wooed by our God. One of the sweetest times was when Danielle and I each chose to spend time in quiet with God, just asking him to speak and seeing what he would have to say. He led me through three very strategic passages- Esther, 1-2, Nehemiah 1-5, and 1 Corinthians 6 that reminded me of the God-mandate that he was setting forth regarding how I take care of my body with food and exercise. It was a mercy to have him speak to an area of my life in which I had desired breakthrough for so long, but seemed totally unable to manufacture on my own.

Another fantastic aspect of this vacation was all of the incredible time I had with Danielle. She is truly breathtaking, and it was a delight to get to enjoy her for two whole weeks in one of the most delightful countries in the whole world. We laughed, cried, were quiet sometimes, talked, did our own thing sometimes, and shared a lot of experiences together. She is a fantastic travel companion for whom I am well-suited. Time with her was such a gift.

Since she’s left, I’ve been back to the grind at school, but it really hasn’t felt like that. I’ve had an overwhelming sense of thankfulness for what I get to be a part of. It is an amazing privilege to be a Christ-follower in the lives of these little ones, and to continue to volunteer for Nightlight and hope on behalf of those for whom there seems to be such little hope. You can pray alongside of me for breakthrough in ministry, particularly towards women who

A crown of beauty

Isn't she beautiful? A woman at rest who has come to know the heart of God- what is really means to be forgiven much, and so she loves much. This is a woman who works for an Nightlight here in Bangkok. She and all the other ladies who work for Nightlight got to go on a retreat to the beach in which they encountered the heart of God in a way that led to what sounded like an amazing time of worship. My friend Annie who runs Nightlight told me about it- it sounded like one of the more beautiful times of enjoying the heart of God that I've ever heard of. This woman and many like her used to have a job that robbed her of her humanity, but that life isn't what defines her anymore. She is the Beloved- a beautiful woman, adopted into the family of God- a princess. Even on the days when I don't feel super thankful for what I get to be a part of here, I know that there IS much to be thankful for. I get to be a part of God's plan for people. That is awesome. I pray that many more would come to know the beauty and lightness of heart of the lady in this picture:

Come and move, Lord Jesus. Set the captives free. Invite them to know and love you. In your name I pray, Jesus. Amen.

Lots of life

Man- I keep saying I'll do better at keeping up with this blog but never do. It's amazing to me for those of you who still read, even despite my neglect in posting regularly. The other bummer is I didn't take a camera to Uganda, and I haven't received electronic copies of the pictures Rob and Jules yet, so I don't yet have any photographs to share with you. Feel free to look on facebook though- there are pictures posted there. Enough already- I'll quit apologizing and start writing.

A lot of life has happened since I last wrote. I have returned to Bangkok for my third school year of teaching at International Community School, I have completed another course (statistics) in my master's program (professional counseling) and am in process of a new course now (Ethnicity in Counseling- SUPER interesting). Perhaps most interestingly, I got to be with Rob and Jules (my brother and his wife) for almost a month in October. It was fantastic. One of the best months I've ever had. My heart is still reeling a bit from all I saw and experienced with them, and what is was like to have them here. I loved getting to share this beautiful country with them, and the people and places I've come to enjoy so much.



I loved seeing their delight in the amazing aspects of life here like the food- delicious snacks you can buy on the street, amazing fruits and vegetables, and cheap and incredibly flavorful meals. I loved watching Rob teach my students about avalanches- these are kids who many of them have never seen snow- and then letting them play with his avalanche beacons and simulating "rescues" by hiding the beacons in the kids backpacks and allowing them to go look for it. I loved getting to ride public transportation with them and hear them share their thoughts about how quickly you sunburn here and how kind Thai people are. It was a gift to feel more understood by them in the difficult aspects of life here like seeing and being disgusted by some of the exploitive relationships of wealthy foreigners with young beautiful Thai girls. It was just a gift to have them here on so many levels.

Being around them reminded me just how good it feels to get to be around and share life with family. I am still figuring out what to do with that thought regarding next year- if I should stay here and teach for another year or return to the US to do more focused graduate study and get to be near family and my home. Being around family sure feels good.

The climax of our time together was traveling Uganda together on a mission trip with their church. We got to go see where and how God is at work in Kampala and Nansana, Uganda, through an organization called Come Let's Dance. It was breathtaking to see how God is at work and to have my heart captured by and broken for a whole new group of people.

Africa has long in my mind this huge problem that I know is there but I don't really want to do anything about. I realize that I don't really have any sense for how huge the problem is and I feel grossly inadequate to make any significant and lasting change, and so I just don't want to even think about it. It's like the checking account that becomes such a mess that you just want to forget it's there....or the junk drawer/closet/room that you have neglected too long and don't want to deal with. That was Africa to me- this desert that keeps getting water poured into it in the form of finances and manpower, but remains a desert because it's not capable of retaining resources it receives. So I was nervous to go see this mess of a checkbook or closet that is the second-biggest continent, full of beautiful people plagued by malnutrition, HIV, and what I perceived to be inescapable poverty. So my heart was incredibly thankful to see that God IS at work there- that change IS happening- that the Kingdom IS advancing.

I think my favorite thing I got to see was the children's home that was started by Ugandans and is now housing 31 beautiful little people who get to have tastes of what the Kingdom is really like- what the abundant life for which we are intended is really all about. The long-term missionaries planned a dance party for us with the kids. It was absolutely incredible. We showed up at the kids' home and were greeted by hugs and were invited to dance...by the kids! Music was playing and this beautiful little girl with a bright blue dress grabbed my hands and we danced barefoot in the grass- she was my new friend for the evening- little Patricia. Here is a picture of me dancing with her older sister, Sophia.

She fell asleep on me as I held her, which is perhaps one of the most magical things I have ever experienced. She latched onto me, hungry for touch and to be held. It was beautiful, and hauntingly uncomfortable. I just swooped into her life for one night. After we left, she would have to share adult attention with the other 30 kids at the home. It was one of the first moments I can remember that I ached to be a parent- to have a loving, warm and safe home I could invite this little one into. I found out later that Patricia's mom is still alive and that the goal is to reconcile this woman with her children- Patricia had 2 other sisters also at the children's home. It was a beautiful gift to behold, but also heartbreaking...to have malnutrition, poor healthy care, and neglect have a face and a body that grips onto you and doesn't want to let go. Man. Powerful. Beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time.

I also loved hearing amazing stories about empowerment that is happening through micro-lending in one of the slums there in Kampala. Come Let's Dance loans a woman around $70 to start a business that can be sustained in her community- perhaps making samosas or selling charcoal. She pays that money back, and then that capital is loaned to a new woman so the cycle can continue. It is initiated and administered by Ugandans who live in the slums, which is also awesome- to know that resources are going to those who are known by locals to be hard workers and are promising investments. It was awesome to see low-budget, self-sustaining, empowering aid at work. What a gift.

Another super cool part of the trip was a worship night featuring some of the most prominent worship artists in Uganda, Rwanda, and Kenya. The evening itself was powerful and I really feel like it gave me a new vision for the delight and joy of God- how he loves to celebrate and dance- to live whole-heartedly. I think I have much to learn from the Ugandans in that regard.



A final thought on Uganda is what a gift it was to see Rob and Jules in that place.

They are champs. They loved and served whole-heartedly. Tears came quickly for all of us that week, which was beautiful. I felt honored to get to experience that beautiful culture with them. It was such a gift to get to meet their community they get to enjoy in Steamboat. I kind of feel grafted into that family. It's beautiful. :) I also got to meet one of the more amazing groups of missionaries I’ve ever met- the folks who work for Come Let’s Dance and love and serve God whole-heartedly and with gumption in that place. It was awesome to watch.

It's been interesting to be back in Bangkok coming off of two sort of spiritual high experiences- a mission trip to a new land and then a month with family. I've felt a bit discouraged about life in Thailand since Rob and Jules left- missing family, feeling like spiritual hunger is not present here in the same way it is in Uganda (which I know isn't true; it's just what feels true sometimes). It's also been a bit of a drag to get back to normal life without family. I struggle to think about whether to stay here another year in light of these questions and struggles. Those of you who are praying folks can pray about that with me if you're so inclined. The good news, though, is that God's kindness is still near and real. His love can fill and complete me as nothing else can, even when loneliness and heartache are the state of affairs. I was reminded of that this morning when I awoke to a beautiful sunrise and spent time in scripture and worship. So yeah. I continue to hope and to press on in this place I know he has called me to for this season- heart checked in and present. Here we go.