Monday, October 7, 2013

Mothering. My word. It's harder than anything I've done so far. Harder than moving to and living in Siberia, harder than a marathon, than earning a master's degree, trying to speak Thai, or teaching first graders or middle schoolers. It's also better than anything I've done so far. Nothing has been richer, more beautiful, more demanding, stretching, humbling, or heart-melting. I remember a profound realization I had in the hospital after Asher was born. A huge hidden reservoir of love existed in my heart that I didn't even know I had. I had no idea I had the capacity for this kind of love; I truly didn't know it was there. I've got amazing family and friends, so I didn't have a kid to fill some vacuum of love in my heart. I wasn't looking for love; it was just a delightful surprise. A big one. One that I couldn't have predicted but am so thankful for. As I held him and fed him, I realized I could look at him for minutes that turned into hours. I would tear up just looking at him, marveling at this person- a PERSON- who grew inside of me. This person who I know nothing about personality-wise, interest-wise. This person who only makes my life more complicated and exhausting. And I can't believe how much I love him. What a miracle. I lean into that love when he's crying and I can't get him to stop and and it hurts my ears. I lean into it when I'm spraying poop off of his cloth diapers. Or when my body is tired and sore from feeding him. I'm in awe of mothering and the billions of women who've done it before me or are doing it now, because it's the closest thing I've found yet to humble, selfless love. Well, except for a certain someone who left heaven to come live among us and show us what true selfless love is. I'm bedazzled all the more when I think of God's love, to think of how he loves me even when I'm thankless or just make things more complicated. He loves me no matter what I do for him. As a matter of fact, I think he loves just looking at me, just watching me...just like I enjoy looking at my son. I'll bet He enjoys watching me learn lessons from my little man. About an hour ago, I was holding him, bouncing up and down, rocking him back and forth, watching his eyes get heavier by the minute. He'd start to relax, and then bam- he'd tense up again, arching his back, flexing his legs and arms. His pacifier would fall out of his mouth as I'd whisper, "You're gonna be alright. Everything's ok." He would melt back into me, curving around my middle, ferociously sucking on the pacifier once again, moving towards sleep. I saw myself in my son. How often do I forget the rest available to me in my Creator's embrace? I start to worry about people's opinions of me, finances, the future, health, loved ones. Then I stop and remember who loves me and how He's got me, and I melt back into rest. Man. Who knew my 2 month-old could teach me so much.

7 comments:

Leif and Jami Gustafson said...

I'm so glad you're blogging! I loved reading this post! I love YOU!!

Julie Golter said...

Yes, Kim, yes. Well said. I am so proud of you and so in awe of your love even as I know it for my girls. Being a mommy is so transformative, so healing, so everything you said. So happy you have Asher and he has you!

Julie Golter said...

Yes, Kim, yes. Well said. I am so proud of you and so in awe of your love even as I know it for my girls. Being a mommy is so transformative, so healing, so everything you said. So happy you have Asher and he has you!

Unknown said...

So so beautiful, Kimmy!
Thank you for sharing- so grateful to read your writing!
I LOVE YOU!

Kara C said...

Thank you! You glorify God by speaking His truth and showing His love. I am so glad to hear from God through you today. And about that crazy unconditional love, I totally agree. Even our spouses we choose because of what they are like. And yet our kids are complete unknowns, yet somehow we love them so deeply It's really hard to imagine that God feels that way about us--I have tears welling up just thinking of it.

Kara C said...

Thank you! You glorify God by speaking His truth and showing His love. I am so glad to hear from God through you today. And about that crazy unconditional love, I totally agree. Even our spouses we choose because of what they are like. And yet our kids are complete unknowns, yet somehow we love them so deeply It's really hard to imagine that God feels that way about us--I have tears welling up just thinking of it.

Bill Meeker said...

Such a wise post from such a young and beautiful mother. Keep it up, what needs to will rub off on your son.